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Needs work in flow, punctuation and grammar...and description.
but New Classic basically already told you that (=
A Suggestion: a good way to work with description is to try to picture it in your head, how does the wind make your hair feel? how does it pull your hair, tangle it...use these types of words to create what's called imagery. This way, readers will not only be reading what you write but also will be seeing what you write...yeah? (=
It's a nice story, and you should finish it.
One only gets better at writing if he keeps practicing and accepting the criticism he's given.
Keep writing! (=
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