Issac

[lovelykrnangel]

holy #@%@#^$ hello everyone. haha. wow. long time no write seriously. i don`t even know if half you guys even REMEMBER me. lol. i have a huge reputation here of never finishing my stories >< ehh. lol. & i`m hoping that if i DO get some readers for this, they`ll motivate me enough to continue writing for now. i`ve written this story up to.. chapter 25 i believe. i hope you guys enjoy it.

warning: the prolouge is a bit graphic.

--

prolouge.
I still remember the way his hand felt when it slid up my palm... intertwining like laces with my fingers.
I still remember the way his lips never wanted to let go of mine.. the way he whispered those amazing three words.
I still remember the day he took me up to his room for the very first time. It was messy and smelled like smoke...
I still remember the way he asked "do you trust me?" & i still remember the way i nodded and answered "more than anything.."
I still remember his cold hands sliding up my shirt.. the way his body begged to be closer.
I still remember the way i pushed him away; i still remember slapping him hard across the face.
I still remember the way he slapped me back and cursed at me to get out..
Till this day, he still won't look me straight in the eyes anymore.

--

eh.. a little graphic. sorry for all of those who were a little iffy about it. i promise the rest of my story isn`t like that

oh and it`s been a while since i`ve written.. about a year and a half i believe.. so if there`s anything you think i should improve on.. please don`t be shy i`m open for repliess. haha.

wow i hope i posted this correctly.. c[x

[NewClassic]

So far, you say you have twenty-five chapters written, and you give us about 150 words of a prologue. The language is meant to be poetic, and powerful, and meaningful, but instead it's mostly confusing.

If you've ever been half-asleep and watched a movie, then you know what I'm talking about. Your vision's blurry, you can't really understand what the characters are seeing, all you see is a few blurs, probably people, doing something. You kinda get the feeling there was going to be sex, but the woman backed out. Then you pass out, and the rest of the movie is a mystery to you.

Well, so far, your prologue is such. Language "poetic," but completely lacking the story element to your story. We don't have any characters, plot, time-frame, atmosphere, or even genre, and I'm already wondering how much longer until I stop reading.


Here's what I'm imaging. The guy is a smoker, probably a drummer in some band. Messy room, band posters all over the wall, big, goofy waterbed in the middle. He plans on doing the horizontal monster mash, and she shuts him down, despite the fact that she "trusts" him implicitly. This marks her as a liar and him as an overzealous jerk. Neither are nice people, nor terribly responsible. I'm going to go ahead and grasp straws, and guess romance story. So far, I'm not seeing anything here in the prologue that would hook me personally (although I'm betting at least five replies will have the opposite of my opinion).

You're going to pre-teen to teen romance (I bet), and I'm not feeling it. But that's just me. We'll see how it goes, I'll have more to say when I get my clutches on Chapter 1.

[shmuggy]

*squinting*

...


^I didn't find it confusing at all, although it has the whole repetition thing going at the start of the lines and a few have it in the middle.....kind of loses the rhythm it had.

However, It feels like a poem, more so than a novel (Granted it's a prologue, but...). The prologue doesn't leave me wanting to know what happened...as it pretty much concludes itself...But, that all really depends on what goes on in the rest of the story. So until then...I can't really have a good opinion on how "good" it is...

[lovelykrnangel]

blah. haha.
i get where both of you guys are coming from.
and yes. i`ll totally admit the prolouge sucks --; lmfao.
i did make the chapters (+ the prolouge) really short for a reason.

& in a way.. i guess you could say that NewClassic`s prediction is somewhat true.
somewhat not.

there`s acutally a reason why i made them really short and what-not.
so if they`re not what you`re looking for in a story, simply don`t read it.
i actually don`t have anything to do with this story haha. i guess i kindof got inspired by different books and other drama at school and stuff. but whatever.

here`s chapter one.

--

Chapter one:
10 / 28 / 2006
Dear Diary,
Have you ever had a day..
a day when everything went horribly wrong? and the only thing you could honestly look forward to was going home, crawling into bed, and sleeping for the rest of your whole pathetic life?
Well.
Of course YOU haven't. you're a freaking book.
But I have. I've been having a lot of those lately.
I saw "him" today. You know..?
Okay. probably not. But I saw Izzy today.
He stared at me in chem class. I swear my heart did ten flips within one beat.
I gave him a smile afterwards when leaving the classroom. He smiled back.
And then we went our seperate ways.
Word's can't even begin to express how much i miss him.
--

yes. really short --; but if you don't like the whole "short chapter" thing, like i've said. just please stop reading.
i haven't been writing stories for a while now so this is just a somewhat like a "pick up" of where i left off.
i acutally didn`t think it was confusing, and neither did a lot of my friends.

but whatever. haha. i sound like i`m venting.
i hope the first chapter was somewhat better than the prolouge was.

[NewClassic]

Okay, perhaps I owe you an apology. Confusing wasn't what I had meant to convey so much as murky.

I feel like we're watching what's going on through a very murky, grimy, and dirty window. I'm watching what's going on, I'm getting muffled voices from the inside, and I can pretty much get a picture of what's going on, but it's missing things.

As I've described countless times here on BR, there's not enough to really wet my visual senses. There's a difference between story telling and writing. It's the major difference between:
"Then Josh said, "Did you see the sale going on in Goth Tropic?"
And I was totally like, "No, is there, like, cool stuff?"
And he was like, "Yeah." "
and
"Josh leaned against the pillar behind him, item scanner beeping obnoxiously in my ear. "Hey Jenny, did you see the sale at Goth Tropic?"
Sale? My metaphorical ears perked up, "Sale? Why are we still sitting in Macy's?" I gripped him by the wrist and hauled him across the department store, toward Goth Tropic, and the food court at large. "Do they have that Def Leperd CD on sale?"
He stumbled as he ran with me, baggy pants and excessive chains dragging against the ground, "I think so, yeah." "

I'd like to see a little more description out of what's going on. Instead, I feel like I'm being told in passing about what happened, instead of experiencing the story first-hand. Walk me through the action, the intrigue, the romance. I want to find myself in your world for the duration of the story.

And as far as the readership goes, I'm saying this to emphasize one point. Readers are what makes the writer tick. I don't take negative review to heart (too much), and I ignore idiotic reviewers, but I write for my audience. If no one reads my story, then I'm wasting my time writing for someone that isn't me. I'm trying to impress the need to try and keep as many readers as possible, instead of blowing off the people who are paying attention to the writing.

Otherwise, still short. I'd highly suggest lengthening your chapters a bit. Your prologue and chapter 1 are the same as the first fifth of my chapter one. Just as a frame of reference. If you wanna tell me to buzz, I'll leave your story alone. But, this is actually decent advice, even if it doesn't sound like it.

[shmuggy]

What a coincedence. I'm listening to Def Leppard right now.

Originally Posted by NewClassic

I'd like to see a little more description out of what's going on. Instead, I feel like I'm being told in passing about what happened, instead of experiencing the story first-hand.

YES! I couldn't agree more!

You shouldn't "tell" the reader what's happening, but "describe" it to them.

As for the short chapters, I don't think that's really an issue, just tell the story. Break it up as much as you'd like; just don't make it choppy. Also, if the story is going to be told through journal entries (I don't know if that's just chapter one or whatever...), You should just break it up into larger parts, rather than chapters.


As far as the actual story goes, I don't really see any problems with it. It seems to be headed in the right direction, but again, I still can't really say yay or nay to it.

[lovelykrnangel]

-_- i just spent ten minutes looking for the freaking reply button.
okay anyway.

NewClassic, i never said your advice wasn`t bad. i just decided i`m not goin to go for it. i don`t care if you keep reading or decide to quit. i honestly like the fact that my chapters are short.

shmuggy, thank you. haha. i like my short chapters. and yes, that was chapter one.


umm. to both of you guys, i`ll try to add some more description in my next chapter.. but for right now i really don`t have the time & i`m deciding to just post it up so i don`t feel like i`ve totally left this story or whatever..

--

Chapter two:
10 / 31 / 2006
Dear Diary,
I didn't see him today.
I think he was sick.. I don't know. I heard someone say he was in a fight.
Possibly in the hospital..
The baby is due soon. Probably in about three months.
I want him to be named after Izzy. His real name... I mean.
Issac. What do you think?
I had a dream last night. Izzy came back.
He was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.. over and over again.
& In the end... right before I woke up... he pressed me against the wall.
He looked at my body and licked his lips.
And then he asked..
"Risa. Do you trust me?"

--

blahh. short. yes. please deal with it --; they`re all pretty much short.
& like i promised, i`ll try to add in more description from now on.