he's gone

[[hello lover.] teenage dirtbag.]

he drops her bag out of the window
and drives off in his '76 mustang
and she tries with all her might
to somehow stop that car
he's gone.


she stands there broken
tears stream uncontrollably down her freezing face
she drop to her knees
crying out after him for his return
he's gone.


that old familiar mustang drives out of sight
this aching girl runs into the house
filled with memories of him &
presses redial on that old black telephone.
no answer. not the first time,
not the hundreth.
he's gone.

she falls onto the bed he once lied in
and lies there lifeless for a while
waiting hopelessly for him to come home
but he doesn't. he never does.
he's gone.











its not my best work ever but i need to put it out there, its the piece that means the most to me.

[NewClassic]

I'm not much on commenting on poetry, nor am I really astute in most of my poetic observations, but I'll do what I can.

Also, there's a section specifically for poetry, just to let you know.

This is very much a personal thing, but you're encroaching very close to emo poetry with this piece. With such goth/emo buzzwords as "lifeless" and "hopelessly," you're very much sitting atop the emo pile trying to out whine the other emo poets in the world. And the human race is capable of such melodrama.

The third section, the line "not the first time, not the hundreth" is counterintuitive to "he's gone." To me it reads, "he's done this crap before, and he'll likely do it again."


Last, last section, lied and lies are the wrong verb. Lay and laid. For the record.

Also, you don't make it very clear who the he is. Father, brother, boyfriend? "Home" is the noun that makes it so hard to peg. Without it, I'd just assume boyfriend, but to assume that this was his home, that he was at home there, then one can't help but imagine brother / father. But, it could also be metaphorical "home" in her arms. Tough to say...

Lastly, the piece isn't terribly remarkable. Aside from the emotional impact, I'm not entirely sure I'll carry any of this piece away from here with me. I'll remember I read it, but the language, description, and even the theme is so in-line with other poetry, I'd dare suggest even pedestrian, that I'll probably forget this piece within a matter of days.

Not to offend or anything, just pointing out what I see. I'm sorry to hear about whatever loss this piece describes, as you say it's very personal. If you will ever consider a re-write, here's the advice I would give you.

[[hello lover.] teenage dirtbag.]

i did state at the end that this wasnt my best piece didnt i?
im actually a very talented writer and my normal poetry is actually ALL emo. whether or not you like that genre however, is your personal choice.
i dont expect you to take away anything from this piece, it wasnt posted to benefit you.

and the role "he" plays in the poem can mean anyone which is why i didnt specify. in MY experience it was my boyfriend, and "home" was not used in a metaphorical manner.
lastly, i am still getting used to the new format because i havent been on since it's changed, which explains this being in the wrong forum. but like i said i dont appreciate your harsh criticism of my work, especially when i stated that this was not a piece i am particularly proud of. if you do however, feel the need to scratch your itch and pick apart someone's work, try just stating one or two things. but please, feel free to check out any other poetry i have posted and then tell me how much i suck at this whole writing thing. im not cocky about it for no reason.

[NewClassic]

I can't possibly imagine why this hasn't sunk in yet.

I'm BlogRing's resident critic. I say things, I do things, that I feel could help improve a piece. Did I once say, "This poem blows"? Did I openly say "It's worthless, give up writing." I never said you're a bad poet, I didn't once call you a hopeless or bad writer. I'm looking at a single piece, pointing out what I see, and (here's the kicker) trying to help you improve.

Holy Mackerel, Batman. I'm actually doing something helpful?

Granted, perhaps the sarcasm is a bit much, but you attack me as a critic as if I'm aiming for your very soul with nothing but malevolent intent. If I wanted to insult you, I'd be a lot meaner about it. I mean a lot meaner.

I'm not sure how much television you watch, but if you've ever seen Discovery's "It Takes a Thief," you'll see that when the thief breaks in, he'll openly mock you or your household. He'll steal it, regardless of the sentimental value, and otherwise trash your house. Then, has he passes, he'll shatter glass sculptures, pop children's rubber balls, break things, all for the sake of shock value. It leaves the home-owners with lasting impressions, and they go out of it remembering the important things. Lock the doors, close the windows, keep keys away from the outside of the house.

A little sting helps things sink. That's why I do it. I tell you what's wrong, and why it's wrong. That also helps it sink. But everyone reads my "Here's how to improve" as "YOUR SOUL IS MY PLAYTHING."

If you don't like my critique, I'm sorry, but by posting here you'll likely get a response out of me. I want this place to grow, to learn. It never takes.

And, even if you're offended by my critique, I don't apologize for a single word. It's harsh, but helpful, even if you're too offended to see it. Lastly, in case you missed it...

I'm sorry to hear about whatever loss this piece describes.

[[hello lover.] teenage dirtbag.]

Like i said, i wrote that this wasnt my best piece for this reason exactly. Your so intent on focusing in on some television show, try reading the last sentence i wrote when the poem was posted and actually allowing that to sink in before you decide to correct my writing.
and the purpose behind many poetry posts are to share the emotion behind the poem, and get an idea of the emotions a reader may feel when reading them. im sure i speak for many when i say we are not very interested in the grammatical basis of our writings.

[NewClassic]

Okay, we're going back and forth, I understand what you're saying, but you're not catching what I'm trying to say.

Allow me to rephrase:
To my observation, this piece was posted as an emotional poem for the reader to experience, and bring away the emotional impact of this poem. That's cool.

To my statements in my post, this piece was a work-in-progress poem that has the groundwork and the meaning, but not the impact I felt it could have. I mentioned this, and you took it as a personal attack. This was a misunderstanding that could perhaps have been avoided had I phrased myself differently. Completely regardless of fault, I still feel you did not catch my points, so allow me to summarize them again.

• Language: The poetic descriptions are not sufficient for this poem to stand out drastically. Because of this, the emotional impact that should impact the reader falls short, or doesn't stay with the reader.
• Grammar: As an English Major, when I see faults in grammar, I automatically stop when I catch a fault. This breaks the rhythm, ruins the pace, and a forced re-establishment of the rhythm, pace, and the emotions of a piece.
• "Not the first time, not the hundreth" line: It does not convey the point that you're building for the piece. It honestly does read "He's done this before, he'll come back."
• Vagueness: Poetry is entirely about the emotional impact on the reader. Poetry does not tell narratives, at least, not as the main point. Because of this, you must tailor your emotional impact to the way you feel. The more vague you are, the harder it is to really hit home the emotions of the piece. In this piece, we are experiencing peripheral emotions. We're third parties, staring at this girl who's drooping in the street bawling. We follow her into her home, where she reaches for a telephone. Silence while the phone rings, no answer. She looked further impacted, and goes upstairs. In a bed, then crying. If I were watching this, my only response would be, "Life blows for her. Oh well..." That's it. Done. Hit us with first person. Colors, textures, the pangs, jabs, and slashes in the heart will not be as impacting unless we're in first person. Do not tailor your poem to have fill-in-the-blanks for everyone. Poems are all very personal, because the more you let the individual impacts slide to fit for everyone, the more vague you are, the less we take home. You're losing the entire reason for the poem by lessening the impact.

So, it's not a bad piece. It's not even a "not-good" piece. It's a piece that is right now not as it could be. As a critic, I am going to tell you how you can improve the piece. As a reader, I enjoyed the poem, but I often found myself stopping. This doesn't make the piece bad, it just means it could be better.

As the writer, you can, and may, ignore everything I say at your discretion. It's your choice to say, "Alright, screw you critic, it's fine the way it is." As the critic, I can't say a thing to stop you. That's my understanding as a critic. If you want to ignore this critique, this information, the cool. That is your right as the poet.

I'm sorry for the offense. I did not mean to sound like I was attempting to rape your soul, pillage your intelligence, and run wild with your very personal poem. However, I'm not sorry for the critique itself. It's within my rights, as an individual, to speak my mind on a piece. Even though my intent was not to destroy, I will not apologize for my words of advice.

If you read any of the above, and added malice to my words. Stop yourself from posting, as you've said, let the intent of my words sink in before you decide what I meant when I spoke.

Lastly, this last part is a shallow, immature, and completely uncouth section of my personality. If you do not want to be lectured by me, ignore everything in the blue box below.

As stated above, I am an English major. You cannot simply ignore grammar because it doesn't matter to you. You are speaking a language, a language so subtle that it in-itself is an art form. So you're welcome to condemn me for the way I view your piece, but screw you and the horse you rode in on if you think you can rape the language I've invested my life in. Don't set grammar, language arts, and poetics aside just because "it doesn't matter to you." Why? Because it's disrespect. Which you've so angrily accused me of in more or less words. I did not, ever, disrespect your piece. It's a shame you never saw that. Instead, you've disrespected my language.

Don't you dare lecture me about letting things sink in, or realizing that disclaimers exist for a reason, until you realize that you are not the end-all, be-all of poetry or writing. I've taken time away from my day, busy or not, to try and help you. You repaid my advice with anger and hate.

So do not speak to me, about anything, until you realize I did something to help you and got nothing but scorn in response. Let that sink in before you utter another word to me.

[[hello lover.] teenage dirtbag.]

okay i didnt even bother to skim through your ignorance. i have better things to with my life than to argue with a bitter, overly judgmental person on the internet.

[fruiity toooty]

A little sting helps things sink. That's why I do it. I tell you what's wrong, and why it's wrong. That also helps it sink. But everyone reads my "Here's how to improve" as "YOUR SOUL IS MY PLAYTHING."

That made me laugh.

"SARCASM IS THE REFUGE OF LOSERS!" - A quote from one of the great people I've known, and indeed it's a great refuge at least.

Anyways, s/he was not trying to offend you. It was constructive criticism, meant to help you become better (not that you are bad/crappy/sucky). You don't even have to accept it necessarily, but s/he was really just extending a (sarcastic) helping hand.

I generally prefer correct grammar, but there have been famous poems without it. I'd spew examples but I'm afraid I dozed through my Lit class during the poetry section.

This is your poem, and you expressed misery well, but keep in mind you can always do things better. Yes, certain things could have made the emotion more acute, the poem "better". Keep in mind that "good" and "bad" and everything along with it is always a controversial thing. Someone will thing your poem is bad, and someone at the same time will love it.

/End rant

All in all, I understand that this was an emotional poem for you to write and that you thought it was offending for someone to say something was wrong with it. s/he knows it's not your best work ever, however s/he is trying to help anyways. There's never a moment you can regret improving.

/End rant pt. 2

Ahem, excuse me.

Summary of rant: Don't make a personal attack on him/her because he didn't launch one on you in the first place.

[[hello lover.] teenage dirtbag.]

Hm. wow. what part of this is done dont youu guys understand?

GET OVER IT.

[fruiity toooty]

woah woah, i didn't want to mean to make you mad o_O.

sorry if it seemed that way.