Road to True Happiness

[labeled as crazy*]

Hi guys =) I haven't been on here for a while, but I just wrote this autobiographical fiction in English class and I wanted to get some feedback before I turned it in. For anyone that doesn't know what it is, its a "slice" of someone's life, meaning its only supposed to be at least 15 minutes to a day and it uses the first person point of view.
It doesn't have a plot. The objective of this assignment is being able to describe a character, using various techniques.

Road to True Happiness
labeled by crazy*
3/20/08

I walked into the halls of Lowell High School with all the confidence in the world. Today’s task is to ask the girl of my dreams, Tiffany out on a date. I’ve known her since third grade. She would always share her lunch with me and our families always went on vacation together. I realized my feelings for her when I was 15, which was two years ago. There were several instances where I decided I would tell her, but I always chickened out. When I told my dad of my feelings for her, he wasn’t surprised. I remember his words exactly, “Thank God you finally figured it out now. Your mother and I have known since you were 11.”
I have a set scenario in my mind that plays over and over again. For starters, I would find her sitting at a table alone during lunch, walk my way towards her, and we would have a small conversation. After, I would ask her if she wanted to see a movie and have dinner on Friday night. Whether this scenario comes true is unknown, but I’ll take my chances.

As I continued walking in the hallway, I noticed a blur running toward me. I found David, one of my best friends also part of Lowell’s varsity basketball team. Panting, he said, “Hey. Daniel told me you’re going to do it today?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m going to do it at lunch. I’m getting pretty nervous.”

“Don’t sweat it! I’m sure she’ll say yes. You’re a great guy!” David reassured me. I guess he was somewhat right. I’m in pretty advanced classes- at least three honors and two advanced placement classes. I’ve been told I’m the “type of guy” all the girls would go for. They all think I’m this fantastic young man with a set future. Last week, I found out that I received an all-paid scholarship to play for University of California’s Davis’ football team. Being Lowell’s all star quarterback, captain of the varsity basketball team, and Student Body President means nothing at this very moment. Some people think I’m really confident, but in reality, it’s the exact opposite. When it comes to the opposite sex, I become nervous- my hands and face start to sweat, I tend to stutter, and my cheeks blush.

“I hope so. Hey, I’m running late to class. I’ll see you later and tell you how it goes!” I called out as I started to walk away.

“Alright... Keep your cool. Don’t let her know you’re freakishly nervous!” David reminded me. But it’s not like I can really stay calm… I honestly think Tiffany is the one for me. Not only is she funny and sweet, but she’s probably the only girl, other than my mom, that I’ve ever shared anything intimate with. She has a true understanding of me. Truthfully, I would feel like the biggest jackass if I ever thought of letting her go if she intended to accept me.

My government class zoomed by so quick. Normally, the class seems like it lasts 3 hours rather than just 50 minutes. Before I knew it, it was already lunch time. I zoned out completely, over-thinking whether or not I should go through with asking Tiffany on a date today, but I decided that to “man up” and ask her out. I walked in the bathroom and figured I should straighten myself out. I looked in the mirror to see if there were any aspects of my face that might make Tiffany say no. I checked every aspect of my body from my head to my toes. Now that I really think about it, I am pretty attractive. Currently, I stand at 5’ 11” with an extremely toned body with a half Filipino and Russian descent. As crazy as it sounds, I have brown eyes that somehow fade to a gray tone, but they blend well with my black hair. After making sure there was nothing wrong, I walked outside to find Tiffany.

My earlier assumptions were right. There she was sitting alone at a table. “Here we go,” I thought to myself, “I have nothing to lose. Although I’ve prepared myself for this very day, it will be okay in the end. If she says no, then she’s the one who is missing out. It’s not me… it’s her.” I found myself in front of her without even realizing I started walking towards her. Now is my chance...

[NewClassic]

Originally Posted by labeled as crazy*

Hi guys =) I haven't been on here for a while, but I just wrote this autobiographical fiction in English class and I wanted to get some feedback before I turned it in. For anyone that doesn't know what it is, its a "slice" of someone's life, meaning its only supposed to be at least 15 minutes to a day and it uses the first person point of view.
It doesn't have a plot. The objective of this assignment is being able to describe a character, using various techniques.

In as far as the assignment goes, you're close. You've touched on most of the techniques, but you've sidestepped one of the most critical elements.

Writers' number one parable, the piece of advice I've repeated as a mantra for years and years and years.

Show, don't tell.

You've told us all about yourself, but you failed to show us you. When dealing with auto-biography, showing can be very hard. Since you can't see yourself, you're often at a loss here. Your best shot for this is to take any similar situation you've been in, and respond as you would. Listen to the way you've historically handled yourself in the same position, and write a parallel. It's difficult, but when dealing with this, you've really got to step out of your own shoes and stare at the person you see in the mirror every time you look.

Use the eyes of David when looking at yourself. Extend your interaction with him, and let us really just get a look at the "me" in the piece. Especially when dealing with characterization, every little detail falls together to build a character. It's a lot of fun to build a character up from the ground. Just take any book series you've read and re-read the first and latest book. Especially if it's an author's early work, the differences in the character alone are astronomical. The more you flesh out a character in your mind, the better you can show the reader.

Your actions, your words, as well as (but not solely) your thoughts. It's a fine line to toe, and difficult to really peg perfectly. But, even an effort in self-observation would put this piece a step ahead. Your thoughts are half of the picture, I want to see your character in action.

But otherwise, excellent piece. It's always fun to break into someone's mind and tromp about with the mental furniture.

The only thing I'd suggest aside from the monotonous rant above is to flesh out time more, let the class and actual in-class participation flesh out your character, and yourself. (Unless you're working with size constraints, for which I say your piece is perfectly fine as is.)