because of him (my original :D)

[xrubbie]

As I was walking to school, I felt pretty beautiful, because the wind was blowing through my hair. But, all of a sudden, the wind took a drastic turn, and my hair was blown into a knot in a matter of seconds.
"Gosh~~!"
I took my headphones off my ears, and stopped at a nearby car to fix my hair. But, suddenly, I felt a sharp pain on my back, and the sudden cold surface of the car window on my cheek.
"OW!!" I screeched. I mean, who in the world would push me???!
I turned around, and noticed an unfamiliar guy riding on a bike, who was already at the end of the block.
"ishhiii~! HEEEEYYYY!!" I yelled, but the guy on the bike turned his head halfway, showing a hint of a smirk.
what the... is he laughing at me???!
but, before I knew it, he was already at the middle of the next block, which made his figure disappear immediately.
In frustration, I started to motion my feet like a kick, until it became a real kick.
"OWW!!" screeched my only friend Jason, who by now was crouching on the ground, holding his poor leg.
"what the- where'd you come from??! I yelled, still in frustation.
"where do you think??"
"fjakl;j I don't know!?~"
"MY HOUSE!!"
..... there was awkward silence. I just stared at Jason, who looked stupid, crouching.
"pshh... HAHHAHA!!" I started to laugh.
"Its not funny!!" stammered Jason, but in a weak way, who seemed to be affected by my laugh.
As Jason and I walked to school, Jason started to criticize my hair.
"Its not like its my fault~! My hair's uncontrollable!" I protested.
"Oh yeah~ well let me fix it." And Jason, even though he was a guy himself, started to fix my hair. Being that I felt awkward, I tried to move away, but his strong grip on my arm made me stay.
After he was done, I looked through the clear screen of my cellphone, and I looked much better.
Before I could have said thank you, we already were at the the school building, and Jason parted from me to greet his other friends. Truthfully, I had no friends in school- that is, only people to hang out at lunch, but none that knew my secrets and such. As I prepared to go to geometry class, I was greeted by a sudden crowd near my original desk.
"uhhhmm.. excuse me.. excuse me~..." The crowd, unfortnately, did not move, so I forced myself into my desk.
But, an unfamiliar person was sitting next to me. I never saw him before- he seemed new.
Then, I realized- all the useless girls, who have nothing to do, started to crowd around him, being that he's new.
But, again, I am useless too, so I wanted to say something to him tooo~.
"umm, hi~. It seems sorta, oww, crowded here, right?" But the guy, just turned his head halfway, without saying a word, and smirked. Then, it came to me; he was the guy on the bike!!! Today seemed real unlucky.

[NewClassic]

Okay, you've got a start, and an idea. For some reason, you strike me as new to writing. I'm going to go ahead and give this piece a full critique, which may seem harsh. My apologies, I just want to do anything I can to improve.

• Roller Coaster: This entire piece jolts, jams, jerks, and rips at the reader. Jerking and whiplash were all I felt after I was done with the piece. It doesn't flow, because the train of thought is erratic.

Let's compare what you wrote to what I'd write, just in terms of flowing.

Originally Posted by xrubbie

As I was walking to school, I felt pretty beautiful, because the wind was blowing through my hair. But, all of a sudden, the wind took a drastic turn, and my hair was blown into a knot in a matter of seconds.
"Gosh~~!"
I took my headphones off my ears, and stopped at a nearby car to fix my hair. But, suddenly, I felt a sharp pain on my back, and the sudden cold surface of the car window on my cheek.
"OW!!" I screeched. I mean, who in the world would push me???!

Originally Posted by NewClassic

The breeze pulled against me as I walked to school. With the wind in my hair, I felt beautiful. I sighed, content, until I felt a sudden gust. I stumbled against the wind, feeling my hair jerk and tangle.
"Oh gosh..." I said aloud, removing my headphones.
I paused at a parked car to fix my hair, and saw a flash of movement behind me. Something jostled my back, and I found myself pressed against the cold, slightly damp window.
"Ow!" I screeched, struggling to image who would push me like that.

The biggest difference between the two is flow. You need to consider the reader when writing. Is this something you can sit down and let your eyes flow across the lines, or does the reader have to sit and force themselves to read? If it can be read aloud easily, you've got a good flow. If you have to pause, stop, or consider how you phrased something, than the flow can be improved.

• Pacing: Writing is a difficult medium because you have to find the very, very fine line between being simple and short, and being long and boring. You lean more toward too-short section. I feel that reading should give you a picture, so you can imagine good surface details, atmosphere, mood, setting. All of it cannot be described in such a short piece, you should really sit on this, flesh it out to be a 1,200 or so word chapter, if even that little.

I'm not sure if I described it right, so let me, again, show you how I'd do it.

Originally Posted by xrubbie

As Jason and I walked to school, Jason started to criticize my hair.
"Its not like its my fault~! My hair's uncontrollable!" I protested.
"Oh yeah~ well let me fix it." And Jason, even though he was a guy himself, started to fix my hair. Being that I felt awkward, I tried to move away, but his strong grip on my arm made me stay.

Originally Posted by NewClassic

He got up, still wincing, but started toward campus. I followed him, absently pulling on my hair in a futile attempt to tame it. He noticed, and immediately tried to hide a snicker.
"Hey," I told him, pulling on a strand in embarrassment, "you know my hair's uncontrollable."
"Uh-huh," he said, clearly not believing me, still holding back a laugh.
"It's not my fault!" I protested, glaring at him.
He reached for me, and I pulled away.
"Hold still," he told me, reaching for my hair again, "let me fix it."
I felt his fingers rove through my hair, slowly pulling out tangles. "Stop touching my hair."
"No," he sang playfully, "I'm fixing your hair, hold still."
I felt awkward, but tried not to move. After just minutes, I pulled away. His fingers caught my arm, and held me still.

Notice how you kinda get a better feel for the characters and the situation. Anyway, that's all I have time for right now, I might update later. G'luck.

[John]

WOOO, New Classic... tsk tsk tsk, what can I said, you should run for GM

[godslillangell]

Needs work in flow, punctuation and grammar...and description.

but New Classic basically already told you that (=

A Suggestion: a good way to work with description is to try to picture it in your head, how does the wind make your hair feel? how does it pull your hair, tangle it...use these types of words to create what's called imagery. This way, readers will not only be reading what you write but also will be seeing what you write...yeah? (=


It's a nice story, and you should finish it.


One only gets better at writing if he keeps practicing and accepting the criticism he's given.


Keep writing! (=

[sw33tlilaznangel]

cute story!
keep updatinggg